|Compromising Positions | Into the Black | Contact|
Altered StateNotes: This fic is pure self-indulgence. The first part of it was written for the SGA Flashfic for their Not Happening Challenge. It all started with the idea of Rodney McKay with PMS and just snowballed from there. Much love for my beta, Eleanor K. for the beta and the encouragement.
“This isn’t, this can’t, this can’t be happening!” Rodney wails, his hands flailing in the air.
“Well, McKay, I think you’ll see that it has, in fact, happened,” John says calmly. He figures he has a choice, stay calm or freak out, and since Rodney has the freak out covered, he’d better stay calm.
“What did I do to deserve this? What? What could I have possibly…” Rodney starts in on what John is sure will be a 10 minute rant, so he cuts him off at the pass.
“You did say that Grand High Priestess Liala had an awesome rack and an ass you’d like to…”
Rodney waves his hands around even more frantically. “All right, all right. I’m a pig. Okay? But she wasn’t even in the room! How was I supposed to know she could hear me? That doesn’t give her the right to, to…” Rodney gestures down at his body.
“Turn you into a girl?” John supplies when it looks like Rodney won’t be able to say the words. Rodney looks at him, his eyes wide with panic. “At least you’re kind of cute,” John says, trying to make the best of it.
“I…what?” Rodney snaps out. “Really?” And he touches his face. “Cute? Huh.”
Rodney is more than cute. He’s stunning. His eyelashes have gotten longer, his skin paler, his lips fuller, and his hair has gotten thicker. And somehow, during the switch, all of the excess padding on Rodney’s male body shifted to all the right places and is now accentuating the curves of his breasts and hips. Curves that John tears his eyes away from before Rodney catches him. Ronon, however, does catch him, and smirks at him. John can feel himself blushing. He’s saved from further embarrassment when Teyla arrives. After Rodney’s faux pas, the priestesses refused to speak to any of the men in their party and retreated into their compound.
“The Grand One suggests that you consider it a learning experience rather than a punishment, Dr. McKay. She also says that in six cycles you may return and she will reverse the procedure.” Teyla is the picture of serenity; except for the slight quirk at one corner of her mouth, which belies her amusement.
“Six cycles? What is that? Six hours? Days?” Rodney asks hopefully.
“Six cycles of the moon,” Teyla responds.
“Months! I have to stay like this for six months?” Rodney exclaims. His eyes get wider and wider as he fumbles for words, his skin first flushing, and then going very pale. “How many days is that? Do they use our calendar? What is that? One hundred and eighty days? Oh my God!”
“Rodney, calm down, you’re going to give yourself an aneurism,” John says, reaching out to put a hand on Rodney’s arm, just as Rodney’s eyes roll back into his head and he pitches forward into John’s arms.
For all that it has shifted around in very pleasant ways, Rodney has lost none of his bulk and still outweighs John by a fair bit, and John stumbles when the dead weight lands on him. He looks over at Ronon, his arms full of Rodney, hyperaware of the fact that there is nothing more between his chest and Rodney’s breasts than two layers of thin t-shirt, and he yelps, “A little help here!”
Still grinning, like this is the best joke in the universe, Ronon stalks over and scoops Rodney out of John’s arms, cradling him against his chest. John straightens up and says, “All right, let’s go. Let’s get him back before he wakes up.”
There’s a hard knock on his door.
“Go away!” Rodney calls out.
“Rodney, open the door, you big baby.”
Rodney groans. This is the last thing he needs.
“Go away, Cadman.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Rodney. I’ll stand out here all day and call you names until you open this door, so you might as well just open it.”
The worst part is that he knows she’s telling the truth. Sighing, Rodney gets up off his bed, makes his way over to his jury-rigged door, and enters the code that will open it.
“Come to gloat?” Rodney says as Laura pushes her way past him and into his room.
“No. I’ve come to help,” she replies.
“Yeah, right,” Rodney replies despondently, flopping back down on his bed. “I don’t want any help. I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone.”
“Rodney, you’ve been sulking in your room for the past three days. What are you going to do, hide in here for six months?” Laura says.
“Why not? I’ve got my laptop, I can still work. Zelenka can do the hands on stuff,” Rodney replies stubbornly.
Laura rolls her eyes at him. “You’re telling me that the great Rodney McKay, super genius, is going to let lesser minds run Atlantis for six months?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying,” Rodney replies, not looking at her and completely ignoring her sarcasm.
“That’s total bullshit. Stop being such a coward.” She tosses the bag in her hand at him. “These are a few necessities I’ve managed to round up. And let me tell you, it was damn hard finding anyone here with a D-cup.”
Rodney looks in the bag and then looks up at Laura in horror. “Are you kidding me?”
“Rodney, if you’re going out there, you’re going to have to wear a bra. You’re far too big not to. Besides, the boxer shorts can’t be at all comfortable. I also managed to scrounge up a pair of pants that should fit you and some boots. I think your own shirts should fit fine.”
“I’m not going out there, I told you!” Rodney shouts and tries to give Laura the bag. She shoves it back at him.
“Yes, you are. And you’re going to go into the bathroom and change or I’m going to hold you down and do it for you. Don’t mess with me McKay, you know I can kick your ass,” Laura says sternly.
Rodney scowls at her. “I hate you.”
Laura waves her hand. “Yeah, yeah, I hate you, too, McKay. Now get your ass into that bathroom. And take a shower first, woman.” She waves her hand in front of her face.
“Fuck you,” Rodney grits out.
“Sorry, sweetheart, I don’t swing that way,” Laura replies with a sharp-edged grin.
“I really, really hate you,” Rodney says, getting off the bed. He digs through his bureau for one of his work shirts and takes it and the bag into the bathroom. Rodney takes what may be the fastest shower in two universes, doing his best to avoid touching anything. He dries himself quickly, pulls the pink panties out of the bag. He puts them on and digs out the bra. He’s a genius; he should be able to figure this out. After a few moments of contemplation, he says quietly, “Cadman, how do I put this damn thing on?”
He’s sure Cadman is laughing at him, but her voice is steady. “Put it on over your shoulders, bend down until you kind of fall into the cups and then hook it up in the back, probably the middle hooks. If you can’t manage that, then you can do it up around your waist and spin it around and then put your arms through, but that can stretch the hell out of them.”
Rodney goes with plan A. It feels awkward, but it works. “Got it!” he calls out in triumph. He quickly puts on the rest of the clothes.
“There, aren’t you more comfortable?” Laura asks.
Rodney frowns for a moment and then nods his head. “Actually, yes. Huh.”
“All right. Let’s go, they’re serving some kind of roast beast for lunch today.”
“Laura, don’t make me do this. I can’t,” Rodney says.
“Yes, you can. You’re the same acerbic asshole you’ve always been, you just have nicer packaging, now,” Laura replies, grinning at him. “Unlike me. I had to walk around in your body for days, remember?”
Rodney scowls at her, and follows her out into the corridor. The trip to the mess hall is as horrible as he expected it to be. Everyone stares and whispered conversations break out as soon as he passes. Rodney finds himself shifting closer and closer to Cadman.
“Hey, McKay, personal space,” she says, pushing him back a few inches.
“Sorry,” he mutters. He must sound really pathetic, because Cadman sighs and hooks her arm loosely around his shoulders and guides him the rest of the way to the mess. When they arrive, Laura steers him towards the table at the far side of the room where Sheppard and Ronon are already seated.
“Hey, McKay,” John drawls at him. Ronon nods and shifts over, making room for him on the bench.
“Sit,” Laura says. “Just this once, I’m going to get your food for you, but from this point on, you’re on your own.”
“This was all some horrible conspiracy, wasn’t it?” Rodney asks, squinting suspiciously at John.
“I don’t know what you mean,” John says, innocently. Ronon grins and shovels some mashed potato-like substance into his mouth.
“Well, I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t send Chewbacca here to come and get me,” Rodney says.
Ronon raises an eyebrow at John.
“Pop-culture reference. We’ll have a movie night.” John looks back at Rodney. “I guess that means I’m Han Solo. Cool.” And then he leans back in his chair. “I always wanted to be a scoundrel.” John looks at Rodney speculatively for a second and then says, “I wonder, does that makes you Pr…”
“Say it and you’ll never have hot water again,” Rodney growls.
John laughs and things settle into their usual routine of trading insults. Laura shows up with the food and Rodney starts eating with gusto.
“Guess the change hasn’t dented your appetite any,” Laura says, her face scrunching in disgust.
Rodney gives her the finger and keeps on eating. By the end of the meal, he’s almost his old self again.
“Okay, now that you’ve been fed, I think it’s time for you to get back to work, what do you say, McKay?” Laura asks.
“Do I have a choice?” Rodney asks in reply.
“Not really,” Laura says.
“Didn’t think so. The lab it is, then,” he says with resignation.
They head to the lab, and Rodney freezes at the door until he spots the most ridiculous mistake up on the white board. He storms into the room.
“Are you deliberately trying to kill us? Oh my God!” He shoves the scientist out of the way and starts madly erasing the error. “You didn’t even go to school at all, did you?”
Rodney notices the silence and heaves a gigantic sigh. He holds his arms out and turns slowly on the spot. “Yes, yes, the rumours are true. I’m a woman. Deal with it. Now get back to work, people. Jesus. I can’t believe it. I’m away for three days and you monkeys try to blow us up. Where the hell is Zelenka?”
Rodney doesn’t notice when Laura leaves, and he doesn’t hear her quiet report. “Sheppard, this is Cadman. Success.”
Rodney has been especially volatile lately. Not that Radek blames him, being turned into a woman is bound to mess up anyone’s equilibrium and it’s not like Rodney was the most even-tempered person to begin with. But this past week has been nearly unbearable.
“Rickman, if you don’t stop tapping that pen right now, I’m going to go over there and shove it up your ass sideways,” Rodney snaps out.
Doctor Rickman, who probably wasn’t even aware that he was tapping the pen in the first place, stops abruptly and then he drops his gaze back to his computer when he’s caught by Rodney’s glare.
A few minutes later, a loud, “Jesus Christ motherfucker!” bursts out of Rodney and he throws his pen across the room, just barely missing Miko, who squeaks like a mouse and ducks under the counter.
“Rodney, what’s wrong?” Radek asks.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” Rodney replies at the top of his lungs. He starts waving his hands around. “Besides the headache I’ve had for two days, the weird stomach pains, and the fact that my pants are too tight for no apparent reason? I am surrounded by a bunch of brain damaged monkeys! No, I take that back. That’s an insult to monkeys.” He drops his hands in disgust.
Every woman in the lab exchanges a look. Radek gets a sinking feeling deep in the pit of his stomach and he leans in and says quietly to Rodney, “Sounds like…women’s issues.”
“What?” Rodney barks out. “You are clearly deranged.”
Radek calmly lists all of Rodney’s symptoms.
Rodney’s eyes go wide and he says, “No, no, that’s ridiculous. I couldn’t…” he trails off briefly and a look of pure horror spreads across his features. He grabs Radek’s arm and says in a panicked voice, “Oh my God, Radek. I have PMS.” And then he turns on his headset and says, “Carson, medical emergency. I’m on my way to you right now.” And he turns and hurries out of the lab.
Radek wonders if he can call in sick the rest of the week.
Rodney shows up for his weekly session with Dr. Heightmeyer, on time for once. He barely knocks before barging in. He paces around the room, clearly agitated.
“Rodney, what’s wrong?” Kate asks.
“My brain!” he exclaims.
“My brain! Something’s wrong.” Rodney’s face twists into panic.
“Rodney, calm down and explain the situation,” Kate says calmly.
“Fine, fine. I have this problem I’m working on, see. It’s a theory of…well never mind, it’s far too complex to go into. Anyway, it’s like a hobby. I’ve been working on it for years, just chugging away at it. I’ve even let Zelenka help every now and again. And today, I solved it.”
“Isn’t that good?”
“No! No it’s not good!” Rodney exclaims heatedly, jumping up and down a little. “You don’t understand. There’s no logic to the solution. No steps, no theory, no, no, anything. I just looked at it and the answer came to me. I went back and checked all the math and it’s right. The problem is solved.”
“I still don’t think I understand,” Kate says.
“The mood swings and chocolate cravings, and the Colonel acting all weird are bad enough, but intuition? I draw the line, goddamnit. I won’t have it. This is just wrong.” Rodney says and then crosses his arms and slumps into the seat. “My brain is broken.”
“Rodney, I’m sure your brain is just fine. Do you think you’re any less brilliant?”
“No, of course not! I solved the problem. But…this is like voodoo,” Rodney says sulkily.
“Rodney,” Kate starts.
“Fine, fine. My brain is not broken, I’m just thinking in a different way because of different hormones and chemical levels. All right?” Rodney concedes. “I know that. It’s just…everything else is different. I wanted one thing to stay the same. Is that so horrible?”
“No, Rodney. It isn’t,” Kate says sympathetically. She waits and lets Rodney unwind a bit before she asks, “So, you mentioned that Colonel Sheppard is acting weird? What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I could be imagining it, but it’s like he stands closer to me when we’re on away missions, but further away when we’re not. And he never lets me go anywhere alone when we’re off-world. And don’t even get me started on Ronon. He gave me some of his food the other day. What the hell is that all about? I mean, we’re talking Ronon, here. I swear I heard him growl at a Marine just for looking at his pudding cup.” Rodney continues on, waving his hands in the air as he settles into his subject.
Kate carefully composes her face, amused that with all of the recent changes Rodney McKay has undergone, his obliviousness has remained intact.
Rodney comes through the gate first. Elizabeth doesn’t even get a chance to comment on the fact that they’re two hours overdue before he rushes past her, headed towards his quarters. The rest of the team follows closely behind, John with a cold, dead look on his face she’s only seen once before. “They’ll fill you in,” John says, nodding towards Teyla and Ronon as he, too, walks past her, following Rodney.
The door opens easily for John. Rodney’s gear is strewn over the floor in a trail towards the foot of the bed, where Rodney sits limply, staring through him. John drops his pack and vest on his way to the bathroom. He digs around for a cloth and wets it with warm water. John makes his way to the bed and kneels in front of Rodney. He tilts Rodney’s face with one hand and gently starts wiping the blood away. Rodney’s eyes eventually focus on him.
“You just shot him,” Rodney says quietly.
“Yeah, I did,” John answers, simply, drawing the face cloth over Rodney’s cheek.
“You never shoot first. You always try to negotiate. Always.”
“Not this time,” John replies, concentrating on the last splatter by Rodney’s nose.
Rodney reaches up with trembling fingers and stops John’s hand. “Why?”
John drops the hand holding the cloth. He looks into Rodney’s wide, searching eyes and says nothing, just turns his hand over and holds Rodney’s loosely.
“Sheppard?” Rodney’s confusion is written all over his face.
John can’t think of anything to say, so he leans in and kisses Rodney. A quick, soft press of lips and then he pulls back just far enough to gauge Rodney’s response. Rodney touches his tongue to his bottom lip.
“Do that again,” Rodney says in a hoarse whisper.
John leans in again, and this time, Rodney meets him halfway. The first tentative kiss gets heated quickly and John wraps his arms around Rodney and crushes him to his chest. Rodney’s arms snake around him and he holds on tightly, fingers clutching John’s jacket.
“Rodney?” John asks, the rest of the question unspoken.
“Yes, God, John, yes,” Rodney says a little desperately and he pulls John into a searing kiss. Then they’re tugging frantically at far too many layers of clothing. Rodney starts cursing when he gets to John’s thigh holster and his trembling fingers fumble at the clasps. John takes over and makes quick work of it and they continue peeling the remaining layers of clothing away.
When they’re finally naked, Rodney’s hands wander all over him, stroking over his shoulders and down his back, pulling him closer as he slides further up the bed. John tries to lie off to the side, but Rodney won’t let him, pulling John down on top of him.
“Jesus, Rodney,” he gasps when their bodies meet; Rodney’s breasts soft and warm against his chest. Rodney arches against him and pulls his head down for a long kiss that leaves John breathless. John kisses a wet trail down Rodney’s neck, and down his breast. He cups it gently in one hand and laps lightly at his nipple. Rodney moans quietly and his fingers weave into John’s hair. John sucks gently until Rodney’s back arches off the bed, and then continues his slide down Rodney’s body.
“Oh, God. You’re not. Oh, fuck, you are,” Rodney gasps out as John parts Rodney’s thighs. John grins and goes down on Rodney, loving the utterly broken sound Rodney makes when he licks a wet path over his clitoris. Rodney’s a squirmer, so John holds his thighs apart to prevent them from closing over his head as he laps at the tiny bud of flesh.
Rodney gasps and moans and makes incoherent sounds that might be words as John licks him towards orgasm with tiny, teasing strokes of his tongue. Rodney’s hips buck and John has to hold him down. Rodney’s breath is coming in short sharp pants. He starts to shake, and John’s nose is filled with the sharp scent of release as Rodney comes in a long, shuddering wave, accompanied by a loud cry of, “Oh Jesus!” John stays between Rodney’s thighs, licking up the fluid and stroking randomly over Rodney’s clitoris with his fingers and tongue until Rodney comes again.
To breathless groans of, “Oh my God, wow, oh my God,” John kisses his way slowly up Rodney’s body, dragging his tongue along the sweat-tinged skin, until Rodney impatiently pulls him up into a deep kiss. Rodney wraps a leg up around John, and John can’t help but grind against the thigh pressing against his erection.
Rodney grabs his ass with one hand and arches up. Their kisses get more desperate and John gasps out, “Condoms.”
“Don’t need ‘em, Carson’s got me on that implant thing,” Rodney pants back before kissing John again.
John reaches down and guides himself forward and into Rodney’s body. Rodney stills and goes tense, and John suddenly realizes why. He stops and looks down into Rodney’s flushed face.
“Don’t stop,” Rodney says.
“Are you sure?” John asks softly.
“Yes,” Rodney answers. “Just do it.”
John kisses Rodney and presses forward. Rodney buries his face against John’s neck and whimpers softly, but he pulls John closer. John pushes inward and there’s a slow give and he’s surrounded by the wet heat of Rodney’s body. They lie panting quietly for a few moments and then John begins to move – long, slow thrusts until Rodney’s gasping more in pleasure than in pain. They move together awkwardly until they finally find a rhythm, Rodney’s thighs wrapped tightly around his waist, their faces inches apart as they moan in pleasure. Rodney’s hands move all over his back and chest. John knew he wasn’t going to last long and with one last thrust, he feels his orgasm roll through him. He whispers Rodney’s name and then lowers himself for a long, sweet kiss. They shift around until Rodney’s curled tightly against his side. John runs his fingers in long, slow strokes down his back.
“You okay?” he asks, quietly, suddenly very worried about Rodney’s silence.
“Strangely, yes,” Rodney replies in bewilderment. “I shouldn’t be, because that really, really hurt, but I don’t seem to care. Just keep, um, holding me, okay?”
John can feel Rodney’s embarrassment and draws him in tighter. “Like this?” he asks, smiling.
“Yeah,” comes the reply against his chest.
John kisses the top of Rodney’s head and waits for the inevitable call from Elizabeth.
“So, what’s going to happen when I get my dick back?” Rodney blurts out after sex early one night.
John is so startled by the suddenness of the question that he just gapes at Rodney.
“Well, it’s only three weeks away and I need to know if you’re going to have issues,” Rodney says, shifting away.
John blinks dumbly and says, “Aren’t you?”
Rodney looks down at the comforter and replies, “Not really.”
John pauses and thinks about that for a moment before it dawns on him. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Rodney lets that ride for a couple of seconds and then says, “You still haven’t answered my question.”
Things go quiet for a long time as John is faced with dealing with something he’d been deliberately avoiding thinking about – the fact that Rodney’s current state is temporary.
“John?” Rodney’s starting to sound a little anxious at this point.
“I want to be honest, here, Rodney. And I just don’t know,” John replies, shrugging sadly.
“So, I get my dick back, but lose you?” Rodney’s face twists into about five different expressions, one right after the other. “I’m not sure I like that deal.” He murmurs something quietly under his breath.
John turns and looks hard at Rodney. “What?”
“I said, maybe I could stay like this. It’s not so bad.”
John blinks hard at him, shocked. “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You would stay like this, for the rest of your life, to be with me?”
Rodney reaches out and curls his hand into John’s and says, “Yes,” very quietly.
“Rodney, that’s insane.”
“You think I don’t know that?” he asks a little wildly. “I’m blaming the hormones.”
“You can’t,” John replies.
“I know, but it was nice to pretend for a minute or two, wasn’t it?” Rodney asks, finally looking at John.
“Yes,” John answers quietly.
Rodney smiles sadly and then catches a glimpse of the clock by John’s bed. “I’d better go,” he says. Rodney gets out of the bed and John watches in silence as Rodney slips back into his clothes. Just before he leaves, John gets up and pulls him close for a long kiss. Rodney clings for just a moment and then he’s gone.
John gets back into bed and stares at the ceiling for the rest of the night.
Rodney exits the priestess’ compound, and with no sign of mockery, bows low to the Grand High Priestess. He walks over to the team, a bounce in his step and a big grin on his face. He runs his hands down his chest and says, “I’m me again.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Wow, I need a haircut.” He looks down. “I think I lost weight as a girl. How is that possible? I ate so much chocolate.”
John, Ronon, and Teyla exchange glances and let Rodney ramble on. Rodney finally winds down and they bid farewell to the priestesses and then make their way down the forest path to where the puddle jumper is parked. John and Rodney walk side-by-side. John’s hand brushes against Rodney’s. He hooks their fingers together, squeezes briefly and then lets go. He glances over at Rodney.
Rodney raises an eyebrow at him. “I thought you needed time to think about it?” He asks quietly.
“Me, too,” John replies.
“Apparently, I didn’t need that much time to mull it over,” John says with a casual shrug.
“All I know is that I saw you standing there with that goofy grin on your face and all I could think about was how much I still wanted to kiss you.”
“This goofy grin?” Rodney asks, pointing at his face.
“Yeah,” John replies with a slow smile. He checks to make sure Ronon and Teyla have pulled out of sight and he stops Rodney with a hand on his arm. John leans in and kisses Rodney. His lips are thinner and flatter, his body isn’t curved in any of the places that John is used to, but everything else is exactly the same – the same scent, the same taste, the way Rodney’s arms curl tightly around him and the soft, sighing sound of pleasure Rodney makes right before he opens his lips and lets John’s tongue invade his mouth.
When they break apart, Rodney asks, a little breathlessly, “How fast do you think you can make the puddle jumper fly?”
“Let’s go find out,” John replies with a mischievous grin, and picks up the pace.